On Sunday son Adam set us up for a four way chat on Zoom. Because my kids are so spread out, it was a rare occasion where all of us could see and chat with each other. That very night came the news report that Zoom has cyber security issues. And all I could think was 'why me?'
Why does it seem that anything that I try, that I put all my best effort into, turns out wrong somehow? Why can't I ever simply have a success to enjoy?
Like the first time I ever directed a play – the Odd Couple. We were putting it on at Sandalwood, my husband's golf course, where we'd already had successful plays in spring and fall. This was our first winter performance, and we had a full house. Ten minutes into the play, all the power went out. Overloaded. The actors were brilliant. "Oscar, did you forget to pay the light bill?"
Meeting David Dortort and becoming an authorized Bonanza novelist was the biggest success of my life. But I met a lot of disdain from others who wondered – why her? When they organized a big party for David in 2009, I wasn't invited, although I was in California at the time and could have gone. Instead I went to see him on my own, and he wondered, too, why I wasn't invited. When Pernell Roberts (Adam) died in 2010, most knew he'd been suffering from cancer for two years. Not me. His death took me by complete surprise. But I've met a lot of great Bonanza fans, and this is still my best success -- meeting and working with David Dortort, a man I loved and admired.
When I moved to Madison in 2015 to work a full-time job so I could have stable health insurance for the first time in my life, I found publishers for three novels in a year and a half. All three of those are now unpublished. All three had found the wrong publisher. I've not had anything but even worse contracts ever since.
I've had nothing but bad jobs ever since leaving Easter Seals, too. But finally I snagged one I always wanted, working in a tax office (yeah, how about that for aspiration?). I loved working with the public, and so did these business owners, having people make in-person appointments rather than just dropping off their taxes. So what happens? A world-wide pandemic forces them to close the office to the public, thereby eliminating the need for me, making me a superfluous germ-spreader.
Even my children, who I love being mom to, all felt the need to move away, so now all I see is them in still or moving pictures. I was always so proud of the three of them, of seeing them interact together as they grew and when they were grown – my own Cartwright family. But unlike my cousin with her three children, I don't get the joy of seeing them every week or even once a month. It wasn't just that one of mine became disillusioned and moved away, like Adam Cartwright did. I lost all three.
I suppose it's because I'm a "mother-less" child. But maybe that's just another of those 'why me' events. 'Why me' is my karma, and life is something to learn to live with.
Like this morning -- with this article idea in my head as I got out of bed, I emptied the dishwasher and a glass bowl exploded all over me when I attempted to put it away. Yeah, this house is another 'why me?'
Have you had 'why me' moments, too? Feel free to share them in the comments below.